


Im caught underwater (and im falling farther)

by theother19pilots



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, My First Fanfic, low key plot twist, plot twist i mean kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-17 22:10:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9348608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theother19pilots/pseuds/theother19pilots
Summary: Listen ive never written anything i just felt like it ok it's 2 am





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first real fic ok

When they met, tyler was 150 pounds of fat. this is many years later, of course. now tyler is 110 pounds of fat. Josh took notice. 

Of course he didn't mean to hurt josh, he loves josh. but that's not what josh seems to think. Ever since josh walked in on him throwing up when it was fairly obvious he didnt have the flu, things have been different between the two. He shouldnt even be concerned, it isn't even a big deal, really! Its not even about him! Sometimes tyler thinks josh is being self centered when he assumes this stuff is about him or has anything to do with him. He says stuff like "if you loved me you would listen to me" or "if you cared about me you would stop when i asked" but thats not the point. josh really just doesnt get it.

Of course tyler isn't "killing himself". he just isn't hungry. he has fat to spare anyways, and lots of it. his stomach making those noises; thats not a bad thing like josh thinks it is... those are victory noises. That's his stomach saying 'good job!'. And, i mean, he barely even passes out! That was only a few times, and josh just so happened to be there to freak out over it. great timing, am i right...  
And tyler isn't "hiding under that hoodie", he's barely even lost any weight, its like it refuses to fall off him!- not like he's trying or anything. and ugh, those scratches? josh knows thats from Mark's cat and he just trips on the tour bus stairs someti-

"Hey, tyler. How are you feeling?", Said josh walking into the bus looking sweaty from whatever excersizes he was doing.

"Fine... why?"

"You just looked kind of - uh - tired at practice this morning when you, ya know, fell over..." it seemed almost like josh was avoiding eye contact on purpose.

"Yeah i didnt get a lot of sleep last night. Working on a couple lyrics right now and i really think im on to something to add to that percussion you wrote up last week."

"Tyler what time did you even go to bed?" josh looked worried.  
and honestly, tyler didnt even know. hes been forgetting stuff like that recently, and pretty often. it couldve been 12 or 1 or 4... did he even get to bed?

"Not sure... but tell me when you get a chance to run them through with me. Youve just been so busy i havent had time to talk to you and-"

"Well, maybe if you joined us at dinner one day we could actually have a conversation like we used to."

everything got really quiet. tyler likes it. josh doesnt.

"So, what do you want for dinner tonight tyler?"

"I dont know... not really hungry. i mean- i ate a... um late lunch. with mark. after rehearsal. and... i just- it hurt my stomach-i dont... im not in the mood. think ill take a shower, i really need one. rehearsal today really knocked them daylights out of me and..."

when tyler looked up, he met his eyes with a pair of dark ones. josh didnt look too happy.

"We are eating together tonight." josh said sternly. he didnt seem to leave much room to tyler's opinion on that command-like statement.

"can we just work on the song im on to? i think youll really like it."

"No." josh was expressionless, but tyler saw something more in him. "Tyler, im going to make you eat. you have a problem."

"The only 'problem' i have is smelling worse than your attitude. lighten up jeez." tyler let out a half choked laugh that sounded so forced and tense that you could almost see physical pain come off his face with it.

you couldn't cut the tension in the room with a chainsaw.

"Tyler... we have to talk about it eventually. you know that right?" josh said while letting out a little chuckle and doing a half smile, trying to lighten up the mood a little when you could tell josh was about half a sentence away from bawling.

tyler was scared if he talked, his voice would crack so high he wouldn't be able to sing for the next week. he cleared his throat.

"Josh, stop worrying about me. im fineeee. now quit it, youre scaring me." he immediately regretted his choice of words because he knew what was coming next. some bs like 'im scaring yo-

"IM SCARING YOU??? Tyler, LOOK at yourself! you look like a halloween decoration! lifeless and dead, youre scaring EVERYONE! our fans, mark, jenna, even my mom! and especially me.." 

tyler looked up at josh after that awful voice crack... and he was mortified. josh was... crying? josh? crying? in all their years of friendship, tyler had never seen josh shed a tear. He had gotten close, after animals dying or heartfelt fan encounters, but now josh was ACTUALLY crying. he wanted to hug him but...

"Josh, theres nothing to cry about! really! im f i n e. nothings going to happen to me, im not going an-y... whe r e..." he trailed off. 'oh god now would be the worst time to pass out keep it together tyler' he sprung back up

"sorry got a little bit lost in thought," tyler tried to play it off. he needed to get out of here.

well, that was a failed attempt. now josh is full on bawling his eyes out. and if he does, then tylers gonna-

"TYLER! youre my best friend in the whole world you dont- understand- how much... how much you mean to me, tyler... youre my everything, youre my whole world and without you... tyler you dont understand TYLER without you i would be nothing. I dont care about anyone or anything more... tyler if you died- if you died i would kill myself. im serious, tyler. i cant loose you i cant afford to loose you... and if thats not enough then think about the fans! please! the fans need you as much as i do... no one even pays attention to the drummer, and to some people youre all they have and they cant afford to lose you and..." josh wanted to tell tyler something.

after josh trailed off, before he could keep going tyler hugged him. tyler hugged him harder than he ever had before.

"Josh, i love you, youre my best friend. i wont let anything happen to me, ok?"

and josh just bit his tounge.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"just tell me everything" josh winced. does he even really want to know?

"it all kind of just happened. you know about my schizophrenia and stuff, and it sort of branched from that. i just- after the band started picking up, i would see stuff online, right? stuff that said stuff like "look how big tyler's butt looks in this pic!" and 'tyler looks almost pregnant here!' and it really got to me. ive been self contious my whole life and this kinda just came from that... so i just kind of wanted to change that..."  
-  
'tyler this is a MISTAKE MM M I S T A K E you know you cant do this YOU KNOW he cant find out he will stop you HE WILL STOP YOU you still have SO MUCH so much to lose LOSE tyler stop youre still FAT F A T YOURE STILL FAT YOU STILL HAVE ALL THIS FAT HE WILL STOP YOU HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HE WILL STOP YOU IT WILL BE OVER IF YOU TELL HIM HE WILL END THIS IT WILL BE OVER YOULL GET EVEN FATTER EVEN FUCKING FATTER EVERYONE WILL SEE HOW FAT YOU ARE EVERYONE WILL JUDGE HE CANT KNOW WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HURT HIM? DO YOU WANT TO BE SAD AND FAT AND HES JUST EVEN MORE UPSET? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT-'  
-  
" i just went on a diet! thats ALL! and it just got blown out of porportion. you really think its something it isn't josh. youre over reacting, im serious. you really are." tyler is sweating pretty noticeably.

"tyler, i found you throwing up in a bathroom." josh looked like he wanted to tell tyler something.

"It will never happen again josh." tyler knows he is lying.

Josh wanted to scream and tyler could tell. maybe thats what made him do what he did next.

"Eat, Ty." he pushed tyler a taco bell taco. it was split in half. "Just a bite, and ill be satisfyed. we have a show in 45, you need the energy."

he was right. and just a bite. he complied, as awful as it was.

"Alright," josh stood up and clapped. "showtime!" he walked over and helped tyler up.

'FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. do you KNOW even KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES? CALORIES. RIGHT BEFORE GOING ON STAGE. THE FANS WILL SEE. THE FANS WILL SEE THE WEIGHT YOU HAVE GAINED. YOU LOOK PREGNANT LOOK AT YOU. BATHROOM. JOSH WONT EVEN SEE. HE WONT EVEN NOTICE.'

they had different dressing rooms... tylers had a bathroom right next door. half a taco bell soft taco is 142 calories without the tomatoes. this is happening

he looked around and went inside. his own hand had never felt so good. he kind of wishes he hadnt heard josh choking in the other stall.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

josh didnt hear tyler, but tyler sure as heck heard josh.

and thats what josh was so badly trying to tell tyler. it got to josh, and it got to him hard. when they met, josh was 180 pounds. Josh was "big".

and if tyler looked 'pregnant' then he looked like a whale. he saw the fan comments talking about how great tyler looked now and how josh should 'catch up'.

and oh, did he want to.

he ran every morning and he made sure to do those finger excersizes down his throat after every meal. he wanted to catch up to tyler. this had been an issue of his since he was a freshman in highschool; it started with skipping meals and then he discovered the other methods, like the finger-down-throat and the over excersizing and he knew every trick in the book to avoid being caught... except listening to when the bathroom door opened and closed.

They were about to go on stage and josh had to look his best! no one noticed josh losing weight because everyone was so transfixed on the drummer. well, josh was losing weight, and a lot of it. tyler just hasnt noticed because of how caught up he was in his own little world, making up excuses and hiding his rubber band that he "loves playing with". no one pays any attention to the drummer.

on stage tyler was fumbling everywhere... so flustered over his new news about josh and being so deprived of nutrients...  
and sleep  
and water  
and food  
and... well josh.

he stopped after migraine to talk a little about how much he loves illinois and got a little off track. the crowd was getting really loud. tyler assumed it was just a passionate group of citizens, but when he went to start again, everything seemed kind of off...

until he looked over at josh, slumped over his drums.

no one pays any attention to the drummer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people should pay more attention to the drummer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo you guys asked for a part two and its midnight and i have the flu and im sad lets do this

Josh never really wrote lyrics.

not because he didnt have anything to say, because that isn't true. he has a lot to say. he has his own demons just like Tyler's, but he feels like he can't share them because he doesn't want to be judged. Tyler's always been OK with being judged, but josh really never has been.

Josh hates himself. He hates everything about himself. He thinks no one likes him, he thinks that everyone is just around for Tyler. When Josh kept losing more and more weight, no one even bothered to notice. No one cared. Not even Tyler. But, when Tyler loses a fucking POUND everyone flips out.

Josh wants it to kill him because he wants people to notice. Yeah, he thinks its self centered to want that, but hes just so damn annoyed with people not paying any attention to him. He's never really liked attention, but he wants it a little bit just to know somebody ANYBODY cares. He thinks no one cares because he's ugly and Tyler is so dang perfect. People talk about how skinny Tyler's legs are, people talk about how "big" josh is. People talk about how thin Tyler's wrists are, people talk about how big josh's arms are. He doesn't enjoy this.

Its even worse that Tyler's going through something similar. He feels so bad, especially knowing what its like. But, he can't help but get slightly annoyed when Tyler doesn't even notice any change in josh, he's lost so much weight, he barely eats, and when he does; its straight to the bathroom for Josh. He doesn't even bother trying to be quiet about it. So much so that the crew has started taking notice and gossiping when Josh and Tyler aren't around.

So, here he is, passed out on his drums with a panicked crowd freaking out and Tyler sprinting over. Tyler doesn't know what to do. Tyler doesn't know what to do. Tyler doesn't know what to do.

"JOSH josh - buddy - you OK? hey. Josh, stay with me come on get up" Tyler is yelling inside but trying to remain calm. he is panicking. he is kneeling down and shaking josh. he stops and puts his head on josh's neck and he cries. he doesn't know what to do.

he tries to scream for help, or for security, or for someone... but all that comes out is just some sort of yelp because he can't really breathe. he is so scared. Security comes and swarms around them. The crowd is being so loud. Too loud. Tyler can't handle this.

Someone from security picks up Josh and runs offstage with most of the crew, while a few stay with Tyler to try and get him up. Tyler is on the verge of dying, or at least he really feels like it. He's shocked but still crying out of sheer panic. He can't lose his best friend. Josh is all he has. Josh is his whole life and future and best friend and brother and roll model and bandmaster and oh god he can not handle this. Someone please tell him josh is okay. Security pulls him off stage while he's still desperately clinging on to josh's drums for dear life.

The first thing Tyler sees when they take him backstage is a man doing CPR on Josh because apparently his heart isn't beating and they can't get a pulse. Which means Josh is currently dead. It is 8:27 where they are and Tyler's entire soul has basically left his body. Tyler can't even feel anything but literal physical pain from being so upset. Joshua William Dun was literally his entire life. All the people around him are screaming and he's just frozen and throwing up into the corner of the room they're in. He hears loud sirens and next thing he knows, someone is shaking him. It's a doctor. Tyler is scared and he doesn't know what do do. She looks worried and taps him again.

She looks at him hesitantly and asks,"Tyler?" 

Tyler looks up at her. "Where is Josh?"

She now looks horrified and clenches her jaw and looks like she doesn't know what to say. "I am assuming no one told you, so i will explain. We are in a hospital. I am Joshua's doctor and he had complete heart failure as a result of heart disease. We've been running tests to understand why, because he hadn't been diagnosed with heart disease until after this episode, which is very rare. It seems like it could have been a result of malnutrition caused by starvation, we were wondering if you knew anything about this because the crew that brought Josh in told me you two were close."

Tyler couldn't move. "My best friend is dead." he was literally choking and his entire torso was convulsing.

"No, no, i think you misunderstood. Joshua isn't dead, he was resuscitated. He's been put on a medically induced coma to avoid heart trauma caused by possible anxiety, and we need to be sure the feeding tube isn't tampered with as it commonly is in cases like these. Josh had many signals of some form of an eating disorder. So, I'll ask again, do you know anything about any of this or what could've caused the heart failure?"

Tyler looked down. He was relieved Josh was alive, but then he remembered the circumstances. "I think that Josh was very sick for a long time and people didn't notice until very recently. He never told me about anything like it but i'm pretty sure i heard him make himself throw up today and that was the first time i had heard it. I really don't know how long it has been going on for." that's when it kind of hit Tyler. "Actually now that i think about it... I think he has been losing a lot of weight recently. And he's been exercising way more than he used to. Plus, he doesn't take off his shirt while drumming anymore... which has been really weird, because that's been his thing for years."

"Josh is in the ICU and isn't in stable condition, so I can't promise you anything. But, i can give you updates if you leave contact information at the front under Josh's name."

Tyler thanked her and then went back to his own thoughts. It was- WAIT IT'S 5:00 AM WHAT THE HELL? Tyler didn't even notice he spent an entire night there. Oh god, now he has to get on twitter. Hes terrified of what he opens his phone to. twitter is a wreck, people freaking out everywhere, everyone thinks he is dead. #RIPjoshdun is trending on second? There are tons of videos of the whole thing, including the most popular one being audio in the background stating that Josh doesn't have a pulse and saying 'time of death 8:31'. this is devastating to Tyler. He scrambles with his phone and he sloppily tweets:

@/tylerrjoseph: Thanks frens for all of your support. I'd like to report that Josh is NOT dead, but he is in critical condition in ICU. ill cont. updates.

He meets mark and they walk back to the bus parked in the hospital parking garage. Tyler will stay for as long as it takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was so short now its 12:45   
> please lmk what you guys think.  
> im not too happy with how its going rn but ill continue if anyone wants!

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this actually sucks worse than i thought it was going to,  
> i kept getting really off track  
> this will prob be a one shot idk ill keep going if i get any requests


End file.
